Sexual infidelity is betrayal of the deepest kind and most marriages don’t fully recover. That’s why Jesus said it was one of the few grounds for divorce (Matthew 19:9). For a marriage to heal both the unfaithful spouse and the one betrayed must fight hard to rebuild their relationship.
After disclosure, couples may seek pastoral or professional help. This is important because without outside accountability most couples will not do the work necessary to heal the damage even if they choose to stay married...
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When our Christian counselee says something like, “I just can’t forgive myself” as biblical counselors how do we respond? Perhaps it’s a client who has committed adultery or had an abortion or done something contrary to Scripture and despite asking for and receiving God’s forgiveness, she refuses to forgive herself.
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Christy was startled awake when she felt her husband yank her nightgown up and pull her legs apart. She tried to push him off her but he was too strong as he pinned her down to their bed with his body weight. This wasn’t the first time he forced himself on her but this time was the worst. This night Greg was rougher than usual and Christy felt it would never end. She bit her lips together so she wouldn’t scream. Their little boy was asleep next to her in their bed and all she could think of was “Please God, don’t let him wake up and see this.”
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Debbie burst into tears when I asked her, “How can I help you?” She sobbed, “I feel like such a failure. My marriage is falling apart. I’ve tried everything I know how to do and he still won’t connect with me. When I try to talk with him he tells me my expectations are too high.
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When a couple comes to a counselor or pastor for help after serious and repetitive sin, how do we measure progress? Often we see a couple for months without ever defining clear goals or defining what needs to change. Below are ten indicators that I use that help me know that a couple is healing.
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Recently a man wrote me challenging my theology. He told me I was stuck in Old Testament legalistic thinking. He said that if his wife practiced New Testament grace and forgiveness they would still be together.
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As Christian counselors, pastors and people helpers we often have a hard time discerning between an evil heart and an ordinary sinner who messes up, who isn’t perfect, and full of weakness and sin.I think one of the reasons we don’t “see” evil is because we find it so difficult to believe that evil individuals actually exist...
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When I was in college I thought it might be nice to do some mission work, but since I hated bugs and loved my blow dryer I didn’t think I was a good candidate. My church has always been mission minded and before it was popular, began offering short-term trips. In the mid 1990’s, during one of our church’s commissioning services I remember thinking, I wish I could do something like that!
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When I was engaged, my fiancé and I went for pre-marital counseling as most engaged couples do. I remember my pastor specifically emphasizing the idea of submitting to my husband as the leader of our home. My pastor looked me in the eye and said, “Howard has the final say over things.”
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Last month I blogged about safety being the number one priority and first step we need to take as Biblical counselors when working with a couple in a destructive marriage. Words of remorse and tears of apology are never enough when there have been repetitive actions and attitudes of abuse, deceit, dependence and indifference. We want to see a change of heart as well as a change of habit. Putting off old destructive ways and putting on of new godly ways takes time, energy, and specific effort.
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